I must write to thank everyone for their prayers and wonderful words of encouragement. My heart is overflowing with love and gratitude to everyone that has prayed and written to me. I just reread all the remarks and my heart was filled with a special peace. You are the dearest brothers and sisters in Christ. Thank you for being a part of my family and helping me to not feel so alone.
Little things are starting to get to me and a weird kind of loneliness. I can have people around but I am still feeling alone. I am a single person now - after being with my husband for 35 years plus the two years we were going out. The longest we were ever apart was a few weeks one summer when I went on holidays. Well the holiday is over and I have no one to go back to.
No one waiting for me. No one to wait each day for. No one to cook for. That is a problem. Because I have no one but myself to cook for, I don’t feel much like cooking at all and just grab whatever is handy. No one to clean house for except myself. No one to share my stupid humour with.
I have my great friend - Tilly - and have been so thankful for her. I have been unloading on her daily. At least I have her to unload my deep thoughts on. Please pray for her as she has many problems of her own and I just overweigh her with mine. I worry about her well being and her health. We live so far apart though and that makes it harder.
One of the things I miss the most about my husband is his scent. I know that may sound strange but it is true. I had recently washed all his clothes before he died and I have nothing of his scent left. I try sniffing things to get that feeling of closeness and can’t find anything yet. I miss that terribly. Maybe that is some sort of animalistic trait in us but it can be a source of comfort.
I look at his pictures and it all seems so unreal. I can recite every little detail of the night he passed on and it is all like a dream. It seems like it was ages ago. Maybe that is all part of the denial that each of us goes through.
No one to hug. No dirty dishes to haul out of the living room. No one to take out the garbage. No one to get the dog all riled up and excited. No one to yak at me when I am on the phone. No one to interrupt my favorite part of a movie with his quips about the dog. No one to leave a mess on the kitchen counter because of making a snack. No one to eat all the food. No one to leave the toilet seat up. It’s the little things that begin to get to you.
You get this feeling of waiting - like suddenly you will wake up and it was all a terrible dream. How long will the waiting last? When will the normal begin?- or is this what normal is?
The weather in our part of the world has not helped at all. We have had cloud and rain for about two weeks straight now. My yard is so full of water that we can’t even cut the grass. I don’t know how we will cut it when the sun finally does come out. I wonder if the sun will ever come out. The weather is contributing to my mood, or maybe complementing my mood. I don’t know which is the case.
Little things like being quiet in the evening because he is sleeping. Choosing a movie to watch that he would like to watch. I can watch anything I want to now but it isn’t the same. It isn’t a good freedom. Then when I do watch it, I have no one to share my feelings about it with. Would he have enjoyed it as much as I did?
Little things, like tripping over the shoes he left in the middle of the floor or having to pick up after him. Little things like his annoying habits that you wish so much were happening right now. Waiting for him to get out of the bathroom. Who’s going to run all those little errands for me now? Who can I look to for approval of all my little crafts and accomplishments? Who’s there to give me his opinion and his sound advice when I am so emotional about certain things?
Who’s there to nag me about my improper eating, or my smoking or my weight? Even though I may not have liked it much at the time, it is something you do miss. It was all a part of his being there with you - constantly - even when he was away.
It’s the little things that get to you.
Hope you will enjoy all the little things in life today.
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Wife.
4 days ago
4 comments:
I wish I could be there. I wish there was something more I could do. I love you so much. May God in His role as Comforter be with you in a very close way. For He knows the way you take. He walks ahead of you, and is behind you and beside you. He covers you in the shadow of His wings.
It's coming out finally and that's a good thing even though it must hurt and scare you terribly. I will try to send you that book I told you that I have on the computer, it may give you some comfort being inside the head of someone else who has gone through this a few times. I love you like crazy.
I believe that it is all part of the greving process but I have no ideas at all what you are going through and I won't even pretent that I know. All I know is that you may feel alone in body but you and not alone in sprit.
Love you
Betty
Tink,
I know how your feeling, in many respects, even though I've never lost my husband, I lost my mother. I remember distinctly the moment that it truly "hit" me that she was gone and wasn't coming back. Like that 'dream' phase you talked about, like you're just waiting for them to come back home. It can hit you like a brick. It sort of ebbs and flows, and some of those little things, just like you said, are missed so much. Things you loved to do, just aren't "fun" anymore... by yourself. One thing I did learn is that life does NOT get back to normal.... it just gets to a NEW normal. Please, if you ever want to talk or just vent or ask one of those "do you ever feel" or "when does 'it' stop" kind of questions and stuff, please feel free to email me.... Paula and Darlene both have my email. I'm praying for you....
Cindy-Lou
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