Dear Jesus,
Today I am beginning to blog for you - again. I should have been blogging for you all along but somewhere along the line I lost sight of the whole purpose. I am so sorry. I got caught up in the “numbers” game and I was looking for “followers” and “comments” instead of only caring what you thought. I asked you to send the people you wanted to read my blogs and then I got caught up in the “game”. How quickly I lose sight of things and forget (and how easily the enemy can deceive).
Day after day I question what I can do for you. I made a few videos I put on You Tube and I would blog the odd time – but - I thought those weren’t good enough. Even with my videos I began to look for viewers and numbers and began to leave you out. Sheesh!
I thought that if I wasn’t getting the “numbers” then you weren’t really pleased with what I was doing. I looked to myself to accomplish instead of looking to you to do. I wanted the ratings and the glory and the honour and you would not have things that way.
I said to you that it didn’t matter if anyone read my blogs or not. I wasn’t worried. I just did it because I thought you wanted me to and that you would lead others to read. I was only fooling myself, I did care what others thought. When I checked the “stats and comments” and no one seemed to be reading or responding then I began to question myself and what I was doing. I wasn’t leaving it in your hands but took control once again. Instead of writing what was in my heart, I began to write what I thought others would want to read about. I began going over old blogs to see what others had commented. I felt pressure to blog more often because I thought I would lose readers if I didn’t keep it up. How silly of me. I was trying to stroke my own ego.
I really am sorry. I let it become about me instead of being about you. I don’t need others to affirm what I do. I only need to do it for you. You read every word I write and I am creating for you. I am opening myself up to you and trying to be honest with myself and my feelings. You already know them, but sometimes I need to be reminded and writing helps me to remember. In this world I am so quick to forget all you have done for me and how you work things out in my life.
That article my sister forwarded to me was a real wake up call. In the article the woman writes about how you only had 12 followers and lost one of them. Yet look at the changes made throughout the world because of those few. Even if I only get one person that reads, I know that you led that person to read and it is for a reason. Ministering to one is just as important as ministering to thousands. Even if no one ever reads, I hope that in some way I can minister to you and to myself. Thank you for that article.
As I write this, I wonder if I should even be sharing this on a blog. Should this be a private thing between you and me or should I post it? Well, duh, I know you can block anyone from reading it if you don’t want them to see it and maybe in some way I might be able to help someone else by sharing my thoughts and struggles.
You know what? I am going to try to be open and honest as I can be on this blog. I want to go back to being “me” and not trying to be something I am not. I want to take off my mask and just let loose with my words. I want to be free to write whatever I want to write. I have so many things in me that I want to talk about but when it comes to writing I never feel like I am good enough. I feel I have to impress others or stay away from certain topics because they might not be accepted. I have let “political correctness” rule my life and I am sick of it. I don’t care if others don’t like what I have to say. I am not writing to them, I am writing to you.
I want to try to do my best for you. Please remind me before posting each time to pray first, check my spelling and let it bring honour and glory to you and you alone. Even if I write about myself, let it only be to show how I am imperfect and struggle like everyone else. If you lead others to read what I write, please help them to see my heart and not necessarily the exact wording I use. I have a hard time explaining certain things and sometimes they are taken the wrong way. Help anyone you may send to see the truth in what I write and to see what it is I am really trying to say.
Thank you for reminding me that I can not do anything on my own. If I try to do things on my own and leave you out of the process, I will fail miserably. I need you to lead and guide me every step of the way. I need you to check me and prevent me from writing things you don’t want me to write about. I need you to speak to me through my own writing and if you care to lead someone else to read, then please bless them in whatever way you see fit.
Well, I think I have said enough for this time. I have so much in me that wants to get out on various topics so please direct which ones you would like me to talk about first.
I love you so much Jesus and I thank you.
P.S. Usually when I go to write a blog it can take me a whole day searching for just the right topic or right words to say. This was so much easier and much more fun. Hee Hee.
2 comments:
You are not the only one who has fallen into the trap of the "numbers." I was actually just talking to my hubby about a similar struggle I have been having lately. You're not alone. ;)And you're right, it is so much easier to write when we get out of our own way and write from the heart.
Hmm very timely I should read this. Thank you for your transparency.
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